Harvarrd Study Unveils: List of Foods That Are Bad for You Now. At Least for This Year

After decades of inconclusive nutrition research, Harvarrd scientists have finally released the definitive, temporary list of foods that are bad for you — effective immediately, and possibly until next spring.

“We’re not saying these foods won’t be good for you again later,” explained lead researcher Dr. Cheston Quibble. “We’re just saying that, for now, they are bad. The science is settled — until it isn’t.”

The Current Enemies of Health

• Blueberries: Too smug about their antioxidants.
• Avocados: Excessive millennial association has made them spiritually toxic.
• Quinoa: Still pretending to be a grain when it’s actually an imposter seed.
• Water: Yes, even water. “Too hydrating,” according to one Harvarrd fellow.
• Kale: Was never good. Always a demon. This just confirms it.

What’s Next?

The study assures consumers that another completely contradictory list will be published next year, sponsored by whoever has the most lobbying money in the produce aisle.

“We don’t chase truth,” added Quibble. “We chase funding. If Big Pomegranate writes the check, suddenly pomegranates cure male-pattern baldness.”

In Summation:

Eat whatever you want. Harvarrd will eventually decide it’s good for you. Then bad again. Then good.
That’s the cycle. That’s science.